Monday, September 28, 2009

Maddeningly Unhelpful Advice--Grief

Someone asked me how I handle trials/adversity in my life (okay, no one asked me, but I will pretend for the sake of this post) and I said, let me tell you. First, I try to ignore them, because we all know that if we ignore things they eventually go away. If they don't go away, I shut myself in my room, and play bejeweled blitz on Facebook for a while, because I just know that if I can reach 100,000k then I will feel much better about myself and in my new state of mind all problems will disappear. I learn quickly that one, I'm not very good at this game, and two, because I'm not good, it makes me feel worse about myself and anyone whose score is higher than mine. (In fact, if your score is higher than mine, just know that you are on my secret enemy list) Once I reach the peak of frustration over not being good at this game, I stop playing only to find that the world has not, in fact, stopped like I thought it should out of respect for my problems. Next I try to plot how to make the world stop while I'm having trials so that I don't miss anything. And that is the stage I am in right now. If anyone has succeeded in getting the world to stop and wait for you to get through your problems, please share this information.

Now, let me tell you how the most graceful woman in the world handles her adversity: My friend. Saturday night her son (that I spoke of in my post on Friday) passed away. Yesterday afternoon, I was able to sit and visit with her. She told me she is worried about her 11 year old daughter. That she hopes she can find the right counselor to help her daughter through her grief. She told me that she hopes she can convey to her surviving four children that even though she loves her little boy, each of her children are important and special to her and her grief will not make her overlook them. She said she wasn't sure how she was going to get out of bed Sunday morning, but she prayed and asked God to help her make it through each hour one step at a time. And at that hour she said, He was holding her up. There is a long road ahead, but I have no doubt that with a woman like her leading her family, they will make it through this.


  1. I usually climb into bed and close my eyes and hope everything rights itself in my absence. I'm so sorry about your friend. At least she has God on her side and it sounds like some good supporting friends.

  2. This is so sad! When you hear about things like this it is easy to transfer it to your own life. "What son...No!" I'm so sorry for your friend. That is so hard, and I think my life would just stop. I'm glad she has an eternal perspective.

  3. Well, that was more helpful than you planned, I think. Sorry, you're going to have to try next week to be more unhelpful.

    Your friend sounds like a strong woman, but make sure she has someone to be weak with when she needs it.

  4. I don't know how people get through tragedies like that. I don't think I'd be strong enough. Please let her know you have friends "out there" who are sending healing thoughts her way.

    And, to you, there's a term for what you're experiencing. It's called, "Being Human." Yup, being alive is a roller coaster ride. Some of us are on top, some on the bottom, and most of us are somewhere in between. Hugs to you. ;-)

  5. She's amazing. When I read about him passing away in your comments yesterday I just curled up in a ball and cried for him, and for your friend and her daughter. My prayers are with them.

  6. Oh Kasie, I'm so sorry to hear this. Any death is tragic, but the death of a child is just heartbreaking. Your friend and her family will be in my prayers.

  7. Yep, you made me cry. All weekend I've felt sick in my heart every time I think about this, but when you told me what Chris said, that did it. I cried like a baby. I just feel heartsick for the whole family. But I know they have amazing faith and will make it through one step at a time.

    You're going to have to try harder to be unhelpful next week.

  8. I'm just so sick about this. I'm so glad this mother is holding up so far. I hope she continues to lean on her faith. I pray for her and her whole family.

  9. Patti, it sounds like you deal with problems like I do. :)

    Jessie, it is so easy to transfer the situation to our own lives. That is another dimension to the sadness.

    Natalie, what? I wasn't unhelpful? Great. :) And yes, my friend seems to know that it's okay to be weak too. When I asked her if she felt like she had to hold everyone together and not break down, she said, 'I let my kids see me cry. I want them to know it's okay to be sad.'

    Debra, I let her know she has many people praying for her and she is so grateful.

    Jenn, it's sad isn't it? Thanks for all your support.

    Renee, I agree, the tragedy seems to compound when it's a child.

    Candi, wish you were here.....that's all, just wish you were here.

    Tricia, thanks. I'm sure some times will be worse than others, but she does lean on her faith.

  10. Wow. Grief. Yeah, that's tough. I go through some sort of grief every day, it seems. I usually try to ignore it. If I can't, I'll usually get angry and take it out on screaming into a pillow. If that doesn't work I break down and cry. If that doesn't work I let my husband hold me and talk to me until I can pull through. And then I pray. Which I should have done in the first place. :)

    I'm so sorry for your friend. Talk about tough! I'm glad you can be there for her, too.

  11. Kasie,
    I had the opportunity to help a family today when there child died... I thought of you and this family. I wish everyone had her strength, faith and perspective! Even then I can't imagine how difficult it must be. I'm glad you're there to help.

  12. I've been avioding your blog because your last post about this made me cry. I know I don't know Chris that well, but I still can not wrap my head around this awful tragedy. What a great example of faith and strength she is and will be for her family.