We all know what today is. Yes, that’s right, The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (get it, because he’s a pilot and he’s trying to find love and he…yeah I promise I didn’t make up the subtitle. It really is called that) starts tonight. As a frequent watcher of The Bachelor, I thought I’d give you some advice on how to properly watch the show.
First, you’ll want to make sure you watch it with friends so that when people ask if you watch The Bachelor you can quickly say who you watch it with thus distracting them from judging you and providing them new targets. (Which, by the way, I watch this show at a friend’s house. We mainly watch it as an excuse for “girl time”. [see how well that worked?])
As you begin watching, you’ll want to know which girl to root for. The worst thing you can do is like a girl only to have The Bachelor (in this case, Jake) kick her off after the first few episodes—or worse, towards the end. So watch out for the following:
1. The girl who announces she is not there to make friends and that had she come on the show to make friends, she would’ve stayed home. The problem is that the reason she makes this announcement is because she can’t make friends. This girl may last until close to the end because she’s generally the one that is good for the ratings, but eventually Jake will see her true colors. (In books, this would be the girl everyone loves to hate but can never really end up with the boy.)
2. The girl who writes a song (or poem) for The Bachelor and now wants to sing (or read) it to him. Come on, that’s just weird. She doesn’t even know the guy yet, how can she have written him a song? It makes him uncomfortable and it makes me (the one who is trying to watch people fall in love on television and doesn’t want it to be ruined by cringe-inducing moments) very uncomfortable. (When reading, there’s nothing more frustrating than when the girl loves the guy the moment she sees him.)
3. Any girl who has listed as her occupation: Actress. She’ll be the girl that Jake will always wonder if she is there for the right reasons and in the end he won’t be able to completely trust her enough to give her a chance. And quite frankly, we’ll all know she’s not there for the right reasons and we’ll be furious if he picks her. (This is a great way to subtly make your reader not like one of the girls or guys in a love triangle: Have there be alternative motives where the reader is constantly questioning the true motives and sincerity [but doesn’t realize they are].)
Next, you’ll want to pick more than one girl to root for in case Jake turns out not to be a good judge of character and picks the wrong girl.
And finally, when the episode is over, you and your girlfriends need to pick it apart, denouncing the show, the host, and every girl on there, not to mention the fact that The Bachelor has no taste whatsoever and is completely blind to everything we so clearly see (due to the carefully edited footage). Then you stand up to leave and say, “See you next week.”
Ah, so fun.
Come on, admit it, that was extremely unhelpful.