Friday, March 26, 2010

Fortune=Destiny≠Lame Advice

There has been a new trend in the fortune cookie industry that I am none too fond of. Somebody has been getting stingy with my unrealistic, timely, magical promises and I'm not happy about it. My last two fortune cookies have read as follows:

"Your compassion makes you an invaluable friend."

"Be willing to admit you may be be wrong you're only human"

What the--?? My compassion? Be willing to admit I may be wrong?! What kind of fortune is that? I opened that cookie looking for hope, not observations or advice. The next one I open will probably tell me: "That last five pounds you gained was from all the time you spend on the internet." OR "Your laundry isn't going to do itself." Have fortune cookie makers decided to take responsibility and stop giving the world false hope?

Well, I have some of my own advice for the fortune cookie makers of the world. If you want to go all "realistic" on me, the least you can do is still make it a "fortune". For example: "Your compassion will earn you a semi-valuable friend." OR "When you admit you are wrong, the world will explode."

But, come on, what's wrong with the good old fashioned fortune cookie? One like this will do:

"All your books will sell and flowers will grow beneath your feet." I don't see anything irresponsible about giving that kind of hope.

Have you received any good and/or lame advice or fortunes lately?


  1. YES.

    My fortune cookies have looked much like yours, and it really bothers me! I did get one that read "Be wise in financial transactions." that I carry around in my wallet. My husband got one that said "You will write a book." He handed it to me, but since I'd already finished my draft I sort of felt like I'd already written one...a messy, awful one that needs to be fixed about 6,000 times, but one none the less.

    Srsly, though. They need to rethink their fortune cookie model.

  2. Um, yeah! Now they're depressing maxim cookies. Although the last one I got was fortune-ish: "You will receive a surprise from a man tonight." (I swear that's what it said.)

    Um, right.

  3. I'm going to go buy some empty fortune cookies at the store and make my own fortunes. That is just lame. Thank you for alerting me to the fortune cookie threat. I have full confidence in the magic of the wedge shaped cookie and therefor do not wish to open any cookies that don't promise magical bliss or worse, give me trite advice.

  4. I'm getting really tired of people telling me "It'll be okay." or "It'll all work out."


    So maybe I don't mind the realistic fortune cookie so much...

  5. I so agree. What's with the lame advice ones? Not a fan of those.

    I haven't had Chinese food for a while, but it seems like that last one I got said something like, "You're a good friend to many."

    Which, now that I've read this, isn't a fortune at all. Like AT ALL.

  6. Heather-both of those examples solidify my argument. Neither were magical or timely. :) Now, if it said, 'you will edit a book until you want to choke the life out of it' my faith in fortune cookie makers may have been restored. :)

    Summer- WHAT?!? What if a man had received that fortune? That's just creepy. Are the husbands of the world uniting to write fortune cookies now?

    Candice, you're welcome. I wouldn't want your faith in wedge shaped goodness to be ruined. It's really a bad trend.

    Natalie, yes, even worse than little strips of paper that think they know your future are actual people. Wait, have I used one of those lines on you.....?? :)

    Elana, exactly! That's no "fortune" that is a lame observation. (well, it's not lame that you are a friend to many, but it's lame that a cookie had the nerve to tell you that.) I'm glad so others are having to suffer through this fortune cookie failure and I'm not alone in my misery. :)

  7. Not lately, but when I was 23 and single I went to a Chinese restauraunt with my friends. I was telling them all I was going to do with my single life when I cracked my fortune cookie and read, "Top of ladder nice place. Can be very lonesome." Advice? Yes. Fortune? That too. Two months later I met my husband.

  8. I've gotten some pretty lame-o fortunes in my cookies. What a disappointment. I, too, want magical sentences. Like "Your tight jeans will fit tomorrow."

  9. Amen! Yes, yes, yes! I would love a fortune about books and flowers and happily ever after! :-)

  10. I like the absurd one's such as.

    "Geese are troublesome."

    "No point in closing the barn door after the cows have escaped."

    "Expect good fortune in the year of the Rat."

    course I was looking at all of these with the tag line of "in bed" so that might have ruined them.

  11. Oh my gosh Kasie! Last week I got a fortune cookie that said something lame in it too!!! I was, "Wha--?" Where's my cool fortune? I was so disappointed.

  12. Years ago, I got a fortune that said something like, "Beware the intentions of your friends." Yup. The creepy, threat fortune. I asked for more cookies. I find that the more cookies you eat, the less the fortune-less fortunes matter.

  13. Funny. I haven't had any fortune cookies lately, but I certainly wouldn't want one to moralize to me.

  14. This is one of my big pet peeves as well. I hate fortune cookies that aren't fortunes -- I always feel cheated!

  15. lol, I love this post. It's totally how I feel! Why is it that we know there is absolutely no possible truth in fortune cookies, but we still get all excited when we get a fortune that promises "your work will soon pay off" or "great fortune coming your way." ?

    Here's a hilarious one I got the last time I was at Panda Express: "You will meet an attractive stranger on the internet." Dead serious. I showed it to my husband and told him he'd better watch out. :)

  16. Jessie, that was not a fortune but a observation and a snarky one at that. But I'm glad it made you look into your lonely heart and find love. :)

    Candy, I love that fortune. I will take it. In fact, I have a specific pair in mind.

    Shannon, I know, right? I love the fortune too. I don't think it's asking too much.

    David, you do the same thing my husband does. I like the funny fortunes too. I say, if a cookie is not going to give me a good fortune, it better at least be a funny piece of advice or observation. None of this, I may have to admit I'm wrong, garbage.

  17. Carolyn, I'm glad you agree. It's just not right, is it?

    Julie, true, I should level out the odds by eating more cookies. And yikes about your fortune. A cookie shouldn't strike fear in our hearts. It causes indigestion.

    Angie, amen, girl. There's nothing worse than a self-righteous fortune cookie. :)

    Guinevere, that's exactly how I felt, cheated.

    Renee, "you will meet an attractive stranger...." What the--? I swear, what is going on with fortune cookie writers? Are they bored? And, yes, I get so excited to open my fortunes, as though my fate lies within a cookie.

  18. Yes! In fact, my most recent fortune cookie gave me lame advice about keeping my priorites in order. And the one after that (because I was NOT ending up with a lame fortune) had NO fortune in the cookie at all! I was jipped twice. >:$

  19. I am famous (or infamous) for getting the lamest fortune cookie. If there's a obscure/ unfathomable cookie in the lot, you can bet I'll be the one at the table getting it!


  20. Somewhere around my house I have saved the fortunes from the first Chinese dinner Paul and I had together. His read, "What you're looking for is right in front of you.", Mine read, "Don't be afraid to love."

    No kidding. We haven't opened another fortune cookie since, we don't want to ruin the karma. (Hugs)Indigo

  21. I stopped caring about fortune cookie messages years ago, when they first starting giving advice rather than fortunes. My husband, however, keeps *every single fortune cookie message* that he or I get. He keeps the slips in a small, wooden box.

    One day, as I sat down at my writing desk, I saw a fortune slip standing with my reference books. I'd already started to put it away in the box when I read the message.

    "Look for the dream that keeps coming back. It is your destiny."

    I love my huband very much.

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  23. I had one that promised great fortune coming my way. It even gave me the lucky lottery numbers ... sans one. I was supposed to hit the Powerball with just five numbers.