Saturday, September 11, 2010

Maddeningly Unhelpful Advice--How to underperform at wasting time

I am unarguably the best player of bejeweled blitz ever. (Don't pay attention to all the people above me in the rankings. I just pretend they don't exist.)

Okay, so I'm not. And I think that's what makes my addiction to this game that much more pathetic. I am, at best, a mediocre player. So if you, too, want to be mediocre, just apply the following steps to your playing (I could compare them to writing too, but that might be too helpful).

1. Constantly get distracted by the shiny jewels. In fact, focus all your efforts into trying to get them and only them to explode.

2. When angry at your horrible performance, use phrases like, dag nabit. Then wonder where that phrase came from. Google its history. Find nothing even remotely useful but waste fifteen minutes on it anyway. Decide you are going to stop using the words dag nabit. Immediately use them again.

3. Hum a jeopardy type song while you play and then let the song start to cause feelings of anxiety because you've given yourself an earlier time limit than the game has given you. Panic.

4. Get a very bad score. Stare accusingly at all the profile pics of the people who have very good scores.

5. Compare bejeweled to writing and sink into a deep well of depression. Tell yourself if only you were better at bejeweled blitz you would succeed at writing.

6. Tell yourself this is the stupidest game ever invented.

7. Stare at the 'play again' button.

8. Push it.


  1. I haven't actually come here lately, though I always read your posts offline. I like your bookish new look.

    I thought you quit playing Bejeweled Blitz ... in fact, your decision guilted me into quitting. No fair. :-(

    And you are a much better writer than you are a BB player.

  2. So I wasn't quite with it when I read your title about wasting time, and I thought your post was going to be about how to get wasted. Thanks for clearing that one up.

  3. I've never played that game. I want to play!

  4. Ha! That sounds like me. How funny. =)

  5. Kaylie's comment = Ha ha ha ha ha!

    I've never played bejeweled blitz, but I am a master at underperforming! :-)

  6. LOL. Fortunately I haven't fallen victim to that one yet.

  7. Oh no! I suddenly have the desire to learn how to play this game you speak of.

  8. Linda, I DID quit! And then in a depression filled day of angst, I took it up again. And now it has me in its evil grip.

    Kaylie, lol I'm glad that was cleared up as well. :) I'm afraid I wouldn't be much help on the subject of getting wasted. But that is the whole point, isn't it? Maybe I'll do a post about that yet. :)

    Victoria, no, you don't want to play. I promise.

    Carolyn, I'm glad I'm not alone.

  9. Shannon, Yay for underperformers. :)

    Angie, yes, you are very fortunate. There are many other places where you can waste time before you try this one.

    Candice, resist the urge. Believe me. It's not worth it. And once it has you in its grip it is hard to break free. Fight.

  10. Hey, there, Kasie! Sorry it's been so long since I last stopped by. Love the new look over here. I'm a genius at procrastinating. I should really write a book about it. ;-)

    So good to "see" you again. I'll do my best to stop by more often. *hugs*

  11. I've always enjoyed the phrase "dag nabbit". You may also find the phrase "flibbity jibbit" will bring you as much joy and it has to me.
    A word about becoming the best: You just need the proper motivation. For example, now that I know you like this "bejeweled" nonsense, I will tell you that until you become the best, neither I nor any of your friends will ever speak to you again.
    Do I have the influence on your friends or the patience to do it myself? No! Which is why we should never speak of this again. Now, let's eat twinkies.

  12. I was hooked on Bejeweled two years ago. I don't know how I gave it up, but I did.

  13. Hahaha! I can't tell you how many times I've looked at your picture on the scoring wall and thought, "Dag Nabitt, Kasie's beating me again!"

  14. Nikki, when was that?? You are always kicking my butt. You are awesome at that game.

  15. When? This morning and I had to play until I finally beat you. Took some time, now I really HAVE to get ready for work!! That game really should come with warnings about how addictive it is! Surgeon General, where are you when we need you??