From the girl who brought you top 10 reasons to avoid the gym and how to become the laziest person on earth in seven days (or less), I bring you: Top ten excuses to clean less. These excuses are specifically designed to help those participating in NaNo (national novel writing month) and the messy house that will follow. You may use these excuses on those around you who might be appalled or disgusted by extra dishes in the sink, or for yourself, to make sure that you don't touch those dishes in the sink until you get in your 2K words for the day.
So here they are, your excuses.
10. I hope to be a future hand model and can't risk callouses by doing house work. (Perhaps you've never considered this before, but take a good hard look at your hands. Are they hand model material? Yes, yes they are. Now preserve them, protect them.)
9. Why would I clean the house when by the end of the day it looks like I didn't touch it? (Also good, why would I make my bed when I'm just going to sleep in it again?)
8. It may look dirty, but I know where everything is. If I clean it, I wouldn't be able to find anything. There is a method to my madness. (Make sure to only use this excuse when someone isn't looking for something or you might immediately disprove this.)
7. I feel a cold coming on, I must rest. If I get sick then nothing will get done at all.
6. And while you're on the "guilt" excuses, how about: Since I'm the only one that cleans around here, I was waiting to see how long it would take before someone else would lift a finger to help.
5. That's why I had children, to help around the house. (My daughter swears the only reason I had kids is so I wouldn't have to clean, so I might as well just go with that excuse and validate her theory.)
4. Speaking of kids, how about: I can't do everything for my children or they will never learn responsibility. Teaching kids to work is the best gift I can give them. (That's a good one because then you sound loving and responsible.)
3. A layer of dust (or toys) protects the wood (or carpet).
2. For those of you who stress out about a messy house and find yourself tempted to clean (I do not fall in to this category), you should definitely have one room that must remain clean at all times. The kids (and spouse) should know they can not touch this room or some very serious, vague threat (that you must administer with a grave expression) will occur. If you don't have a whole room, just a cupboard or a shelf will do. Then when you feel the stress coming on, you stand in the room (or stare lovingly at the shelf) and know that at least you have managed to keep this one piece of the universe clean.
1. And the number one excuse that all those around you should not argue with is: I can't be bothered with housework, I'm writing.
Good luck to all those participating in NaNo. I can't wait to follow your progress. I will not be using any of the above excuses this month because I'm cleaning instead of obsessively writing. I need a set of excuses not to write. Please provide them for me.