Monday, November 16, 2009

Maddeningly Unhelpful Advice-Surviving a supernatural attack

This Thursday night millions of teenagers, moms, and other obsessed fans of the Twilight Saga will be lining up at theaters around the nation to watch New Moon (me included). It will be cold and dark out. Excitement will abound with its tell-tale signs of fast beating hearts, veins near bursting, and sweat-covered palms. The salty smell of this sweat and extra blood will hang thick in the air.

You might be thinking, 'oh no, the vampires are going to be out in full force.' You'd be thinking wrong. The vampires will all be in a vampire council trying to figure out how to prevent vampires from falling in love with accident prone humans. What we should really be worried about are the werewolves.

You see, they're angsty and always hungry (a lethal combination). And since I doubt anyone out there has their own personal vampire guardian, we need to know how to survive in that line since we wouldn't want to miss the movie we've been waiting a year for.

It's possible you've been getting conflicting messages in your YA literature as of late. One book tells us that the tiniest drop of werewolf saliva finding it's way into the bloodstream will turn us into a werewolf. Another book tells us we have to actually be bitten to be turned. And this is all if we actually survive the attack, which is unlikely.

Let's refer to the bible of werewolves, the Twilight Saga, to find the answer about being turned. Oh, phew, it looks like we can only be werewolves if it's in our genes. We've dodged a bullet there. If we're getting turned into something supernatural anytime soon, it better be a sultry vampire who does the turning.

(They'll do [btw, Ian, if you're reading this (and why wouldn't you be?), I loved you on Lost, where they killed you off entirely too early, and I'm glad you've come back to TV in such an evil way])

Okay, but this doesn't solve the real issue--an attack by a werewolf that could end in death (and keep us from seeing the movie). So, it looks like the moon will be a waning crescent on Thursday night. That would be good news if werewolves cared about moon cycles, which obviously they don't. So what now? If any of you have a baby that they could imprint on, that could work. I don't so I'm out of luck there. If you have brown eyes, you could be in better shape. Mine are blue. Hmm, I'm running out of solutions here. I could try flirting (it worked for Bella) but I'm out of practice. I should've thought to befriend someone who had the potential of becoming a werewolf so he could protect me from his friends, but it's a little late now. Maybe some of you thought ahead on that one.

It looks like I have no good advice for you. We can only hope that the attack will come after we've seen the movie and our lives are complete.

I would love to hear your advice on how to survive this imminent attack.


  1. I know it's not in my genes. I'm too pale for anything but the vampire side of things. I'm looking forward to seeing New Moon too. It looks a lot better than Twilight (special effects, make-up, etc.) I probably won't go until next week though.

  2. Angsty and always hungry? Uh-oh. I think might already be a werewolf.

    I'll just have to try not to bite you guys when I see you over Thanksgiving.

  3. I think this is your first Monday of real, maddeningly unhelpful advice, just so you know.

  4. Lois, I agree, I think it's going to be awesome.

    Renee, even though I will see you after I've already seen New Moon, I would appreciate it if you restrained from biting me. :) So excited to see you!

    Natalie, YES! Awesome. That is my goal, so this is good to know. I was just telling my husband last night that I needed to get back to my "creepy hair length" type unhelpful advice. So, I'm glad to know I achieved that goal. :)

  5. Apparently tonight is supposed to be an actual "new moon." Why, then, didn't they release New Moon ON the new moon? Questions...

  6. I have asked a lot of questions about who's werewolf is the real werewolf. Maggie Stiefvater's werewolf's are strikingly similar to Stephenie Meyer's, only they are not shapeshifters and some of them DO kill people. Then I saw the trailer for wolfman and almost peed my pants. That was freaky. I mean, between Shiver and Twilight I am sure that if I meet a werewolf I would be better off going up to it and petting it and hoping it turned into a really hot boy. I am just so confused. Are they evil? Are they good?

  7. Ooh, I have brown eyes! I'll be okay! Too bad I can't see the movie until next week:(

  8. Two words for your survival: Shock Collar. Werewolves hate the shock collar.

    The trick is affixing said collar. It's better done while they are still people and not in attack mode, thus creating another challenge: which people? And how to convince them into wearing a shock collar? Good luck.

  9. I say stick a really big pork chop in the pocket of the person next to you when they're not looking.

  10. I loved your post and tried to think of some witty werewolf-esque comment, but then I read Tricia's comment about the shock collar and almost had a hot tea through the nose disaster (and gave up on trying to top that).

    Now, the main reason I'm posting here is that I need help. There is a terrible dilemma I am facing: To New Moon or not to New Moon, that is the question.

    I am in awe of Stephenie Meyer, love the books and have read them repeatedly, but I had a little problem after the Twilight movie. My mental characters and the movie characters didn't mesh and it took a long time to get the movie characters out of my mind when I read the books again. So, do I see New Moon and have my mental characters go on sabbatical or do I avoid the movies and stay true to my mind's eye? Please help! I realize this breaks the maddeningly unhelpful promise in the title, but you seem really nice and helpful and you nod a lot (and so do your pre-edit characters, I understand), so I thought you might help anyway.

  11. Sara, I know, seriously. Where was the marketing department on that one?

    Jessie, I haven't seen the trailer for wolfman yet, but your description of it makes me want to. Now, do you think you almost peed your pants because you're pregnant and more prone to almost peeing your pants, or was it really that scary? And I like your advice, if I encounter a wolf, I will try petting him first.

    Melane, it is too bad you can't see it until next week, because surely your brown eyes would've saved many lives. I hope you don't feel guilty later. :)

  12. Tricia, shock collar, I hadn't thought of that. Perhaps it would be easiest to affix the collar when they are in their human form. I hope they don't mind being shackled. :)

    Candice, you evil, evil woman. Are you sure you're not part vampire? (and I'm not referring to your natural glow) :)

    Julie, LOL Yes, Tricia often has me snorting things out my nose. (so does her book, btw) Now, on to your problem and it is a tough one. I can sympathize somewhat because Twilight the movie, will never live up to Twilight the book for me. Twilight was my favorite of the four books and quite frankly they could've gotten any actors and spent insane amounts of money and it wouldn't come anywhere near the book in my eyes. But, I am still glad I saw the movie, I just had to think of it apart from the book. So perhaps, if you just think of it as another movie and not compare it to the book at all, you will be fine. I, myself, am more excited for the 2nd movie because New Moon wasn't as dear to me as Twilight. Does that make sense? It's probably maddeningly unhelpful, but it's all I've got. :) Oh, my advice, see the movie. You can blame me if it turns out to ruin your reading experience. You can even shake your fist at me if you want. :)

  13. But beware, if I get were-wolved at the movie, I will be shaking, not just my simple woman fist, it will be my hirsute, fanged paw (possibly with some kind of girly polish). You've been warned. ;)

  14. Ha! I just read your reply. I'm sure it's because I'm pregnant, and that if I saw the Wolfman trailer AFTER 3 hours of 2012, I would have definitely really peed my pants.