Squidward can't make Krabby Patties

So I'm sitting on the couch folding laundry while my children are watching Spongebob (I know, not exactly educational programming, but hey, it makes me laugh). It was the episode where Spongebob and Squidward are competing for employee of the month. Towards the end of the episode as the two are doing crazier and crazier things to try to get Mr. Krabs attention, Squidward starts frying up Krabby Patties. My eight year old daughter, who is sitting next to me mutters under her breath, "I thought Squidward couldn't make Krabby Patties."

There are two lessons I learned from her indignation. One, my kids watch way too much Spongebob. And, two, your characters have to stay true to themselves no matter what situation you put them in. If you've already established that your character cannot do something, you can't have them doing it in another chapter/scene/book just to prove a point. Especially if you write for children or middle grade. Kids are smart and not as willing to overlook character breaches as adults are. My daughter helped reiterate a lesson I've heard a lot in writing-- My characters must always stay in character. Even if they're growing and changing, characters should each have a way they would handle change and growth. Now, Squidward, get behind the register and don't touch the grill unless you take a class that you will grumble your way through. :)

Maddeningly Unhelpful Advice--Potty training

Last week Jessie (my nemesis) asked for some advice on potty training. This is a great topic for me since I am in the midst of doing that very thing (and failing miserably).

The best way to start is to let your child pick out some big boy (or girl) underwear. Make sure they're printed with characters they like. When putting the underwear on your child, say things like, "Child, don't go potty on Spiderman, he doesn't like to get wet, it makes him sad." Isn't this a good idea? (Yeah, it doesn't work. Later, your child will just say, "Mommy, look, Spiderman is wet. Don't worry, he's still happy.")


Next, work up a good bribing system. Every time your child successfully goes, give them the predetermined bribe. (Unfortunately, stopping the bribe is hard so you may have to continue it for the remainder of his/her life.)

Finally, set a timer to remind yourself every hour or so, to take your child to the bathroom. This way you won't forget and they will start establishing a routine of trying to use the bathroom. (Soon, much like Pavlov's dog, whenever the timer goes off, your child will immediately go to the bathroom. So you might want a silent timer.)



You should make sure you go into potty training with the right attitude. There are a few things you should expect so you won't be disappointed:

*Expect to re-carpet your whole house when you are done potty training. You might need to take a side job to finance this (note: writing does not count. I was referring to a paying job). Lucky for me, we were already planning on recarpeting upstairs due to other little boy "accidents": Nail polish, sharpie marker, mascara, a whole tube of bright blue gel toothpaste, all do not go well with carpet. It's beginning to sound like I don't watch my child. In fact, my husband said it's "fourth child syndrome"--we just aren't as attentive with him as we have been with the others. When he suggested this, I gasped. "How dare you accuse me of this," I said. "I have been equally neglectful with all my children. He just gets into more stuff." If you weren't already planning to re-carpet and you don't want to have to, you might consider covering all surfaces in plastic.

*Expect that there will be casualties of war. Some underwear won't make it through the battle. So have plenty of backups.

*Expect that if you are potty training a boy he will soon learn that the toilet isn't the only thing that's fun to aim for. I discovered this the other day when my 3 daughters were running through the house screaming, while my son was chanting, "I'm gonna squirt you."

*And finally, expect that even though you might be ready, your child might not be. Or even though your child is ready, you might not be. All parties involved must be willing participants or it will end in disaster.

Jessie, good luck to you. If anyone else has more helpful advice than mine, feel free to share it. Or, feel free to share unhelpful advice as well (potty training disaster stories are always fun). That is the name of the post after all. :) And again, if you would like to be the recipient of my priceless advice, leave me a question. (Next week, Jenn's question is on the agenda)

Follow Friday

I had so much fun doing my "spotlights" after the retreat I attended in July, that I've been wanting to do this ever since: My own small scale version of Follow Friday. I'm going to be spotlighting some of my favorite people, or newly discovered (to me) people who, like me, don't have hundreds of followers. I thought it would be a fun way to share the love. Plus, once in a while, it's nice to take the attention off of myself (As in, once or twice a month. Let's not go crazy here, people, we all know how much I love talking about myself).

So for my first "Follow Friday" I wanted to tell you a little about the girl I love to hate. My nemesis, Jessie. First of all, I just want to say, I am so glad I found my nemesis. A lot of people go their whole lives searching for theirs only to die an utter failure having never met the person who ever gave them a reason to live. That reason being, plotting the destruction of this person, of course.

Many of you know Jessie. Yes, she's that super cute, super funny, amazingly nice girl. But hiding behind that awesome smile is the girl who finds it fun to oppose me. If I like something, she hates it. If I hate something, she loves it. For example (yes, Jessie, I have evidence) I love music, she never listens to it (I know, shocking). I find a guy with a little eye make-up attractive, she doesn't. She's not a fan of subways and I'm pretty sure she hates free hugs too (I've taken creative liberties with that last conclusion) But the nail in the coffin: she likes wax museums (Jessie, how could you?). (We will overlook the fact that she loves my favorite author, Dickens, was a drama geek in high school, like me, and is a stay-at-home mom. These facts would only detract from the nemesis rule, which states that your enemy must be your opposite.)

It's easy to see why she has been chosen as my nemesis, right? Unfortunately, we will now have to spend the remainder of our lives plotting each others destruction, but maybe once in a while we can take a break and do lunch or let our kids play (I'm sure there are loopholes in the nemesis rule book to allow for such frivolities).

So if you're not already, jump on over and follow Jessie's blog. But please know that I have already claimed her as my nemesis, so you can't steal her from me. And Jessie, I'm giving you an award. It is the "evil eye" award. You have reached official nemesis status. You probably shouldn't post it on your blog because then it will always be watching you. Mua ha ha ha (and, Jessie, don't fight me on this one, I really want to play the evil one, you're avi is way too cute to pull off evil.) Mua ha ha.




(Wow, that post ended up being mostly about me, didn't it? Funny how that worked out.)

Guyliner

So out of the blue several people on several separate occasions have asked my husband if he started wearing eyeliner. What the? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for guyliner. Really, I am. I think it's quite unfair, actually, that woman are allowed to wear make up and men aren't. Why is it fair that when we get a zit or have a blotchy complexion we have this awesome thing called foundation? And why is it acceptable for women to bring out the color or shape of their eyes by lining them, but not men?

But the truth of the matter is, it just isn't a mainstream practice and my husband, as a professional in the business world, would not be taken seriously in guyliner. It turns out, he doesn't have to wear it. Apparently over the last few years, my husband's lashes have naturally darkened (hello, where are my miraculously darkening lashes, universe?) thus prompting the question from long time friends and relatives about eyeliner. So, to all you who were too embarrassed to ask Jared (because for every one that asked there had to be five that didn't) no, he has not taken to wearing eye make up. But, because I occasionally enjoy seeing a man in guyliner, I give you my list of men who easily pull it off:


30 seconds to Mars' Jared Leto:




Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong:



The Killers' Brandon Flowers:



American Idol's Adam Lambert:



And of course, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow:


What about you? Are you a fan of guyliner?

Maddeningly Unhelpful Advice--Creepy vs. Not Creepy

Let’s face it, kids are creepy. Okay, maybe not all the time. But when Hollywood puts them in the right situation, with the right scary music in the background, and the right looks on their faces, they scare me more than any onscreen adult can hands down. Maybe it’s because I have 4 kids of my own who can potentially turn on me at any moment. Maybe because seeing kids in those scenarios is just so unnatural. Whatever the case, kids in scary movies give me the heebie jeebies. Even scarier than pale-faced kids, bloodied kids, black eyed kids, or vampire children, are long haired little girls. You know the ones I’m talking about. Their hair hangs over all or most of their faces, hiding something truly horrible or nothing at all (we’ll never know). I’m getting to a point, I promise. I just had to set up the scenario.

So, my beautiful daughter has attained “creepy child” length hair. Sometimes when I see her from behind, I shudder. Maybe it stems back to watching The Ring. (Which by the way was a huge mistake because it made me scared of not only long-haired children, but my television set [which was the true travesty]) I’ve begged her to cut her hair for weeks now. First I told her it wouldn’t get as tangled. Next I told her it would be easier to wash. Finally I told her it would be easier to put up. None of this worked. She said she didn’t care. So the other day as I was brushing her long hair that was soon going to make her turn on me I muttered under my breath, “It’s turned to creepy child length.”
“What?” she asked.
“What? Nothing, it’s so beautiful.”
“No, you said creepy something.”
So I told her about the creepy children of film who are often portrayed with long hair. And guess what? Suddenly, she wants me to cut a few inches off her hair. What? That’s all I had to say?

So today you get two pieces of unhelpful advice:

One: Never underestimate the power of calling your 11 year old creepy. I know, I should win the mother of the year award for that one.

Two: There is a fine line between creepy hair length and not creepy hair length. I will include some pictures below so you are clear on the difference.

Anything from shoulder length to middle back on a child is not creepy. Aw, isn't she precious? And I don't even suspect any thoughts of 'taking over the world one less adult at a time' lurking in her mind.




Anything from middle back to above the waist is on the creepy side. Wipe that smile off her face and she looks ripe for an attack on innocent parents or unassuming bystanders.



And anything around the waist or longer is just plain creepy. Scared.



I hope that clears things up. You're welcome. :)

By the way, I know you are just dying for a bit of sage wisdom to some unanswerable questions in your own life. If you have a question that you would like answered in a future edition of 'maddeningly unhelpful advice monday' please leave it in the comments section.

I Love Music

Okay, so I've been tagged by the awesome Jenn. I'm supposed to list 7 of my favorite songs. Yikes, I don't think I can narrow it down to 7. Plus, the seven I write today will be replaced by seven new ones in a few days. My favs constantly change. But, oh well, for today, these are seven of my favorite songs:


1. The Fray--Never Say Never

2. (Hottie) Rob Thomas--Her Diamonds

3. Sara Bareilles--Gravity

4. All American Rejects--Gives You Hell

5. Taylor Swift--You Belong With Me

6. Parachute--She Is Love

7. Silversun Pickups--Lazy Eye

Oh wait, I just remembered Green Day--21 Guns, and Miley Cyrus--The Climb. This is too hard.

I tag anyone who loves music. If you end up doing this tell me in the comments section so that I can see your song picks and maybe discover some new favorites through you.

Top 10 reasons to avoid the gym

10. It’s swine flu season and every surface in every gym is covered in germs. I have my health to think about.

9. The starve-crazed patrons might take one look at me, realize I eat, and attack me in search of food.

8. I don’t “glisten” I sweat and sweat is yucky.

7. If and when I have time and money to spend on child care/gym membership, I want to spend it doing something way better than forcing myself to sweat and shower.

6. Don't want to have to witness muscly man making out with himself in the mirror.

5. A trip to the bathroom might result in seeing people way too comfortable with their own nakedness.

4. My workout clothes are not cute enough (and we all know that according to Stacy and Clinton, from “What not to Wear”, even for a trip to the gym we are supposed to look hawt).

3. No one—ever—should have to be exposed to spandex biking shorts. Whoever invented them was trying to play a cruel trick on the world and some people never caught on.

2. Why would I work out when I could be ______? (Insert almost any word in the universe into the blank and it will be a good question.)

1. And the number one reason is…… I might run into Carrie’s creepy “speedo guy” (warning: if you click on link, you might pee your pants laughing)

Thanks to my commenters Wednesday for helping me with these awesome reasons. I'm beginning to think maybe I don't want to go to the gym tonight.